"Sometimes I ask for oral pleasure and sometimes I don’t, depending on how I taste."

~

You may have heard the term, “Run the Fuck”. My role model, Betty Dodson, used this term often. This phrase, to me, means being an active participant in your sexual experience, as opposed to a passive participant. An active participant is a person that communicates and clearly states boundaries and limitations before, during, and after their sexual experience. I also like to think of active participants as people who create their reality as opposed to waiting for something to happen to them (passive participant). 

I am proud to run the fuck in my relationship and am an active participant in my sexual experiences with my long-term partner. What does that actually look like? Strap…in, because I’m about to tell you. I’ll denote by putting “(A)” next to the behaviors that indicate my active participation. I encourage you to also notice when my partner exhibits active participation as well. 

When my partner or I go on long individual trips, we make it a priority to have sex the night before the trip. Hours before a special evening, we plan out some things. One particular evening, I had volleyball until later in the evening, so we needed to maneuver when to have dinner and when to have sex. For me and my partner, once we have a nourishing and filling dinner, it is difficult for us to have sex as all we want to do is snuggle up in bed and read a book or watch a movie. I suggested that once I get to his place, I hop in the shower and while I’m in the shower, he can light a couple of candles in the room and be lying on the bed waiting for me (A). He agreed and we went about our individual work days.

Evening came and when I arrived at his house, we exchanged pleasantries and I headed to the shower. Once I got out of the shower, the lights were low, candles were lit and he was waiting on the bed for me in gym shorts and an unbuttoned plaid long sleeve. Swoon. He even had our sexy playlist playing in the background softly - BONUS!

We began by making out and softly touching each other. We stayed here for quite some time which allowed our sexual energy to build. We didn’t go straight into touching genitals. After a while, we slowly took our own clothes off (A). As his hands traveled down my stomach, down my thigh to touch my genitals, I realized I wasn’t ready for that yet. I moved my hips so that he just missed them (A) and used my body language to communicate that I wasn’t ready for genital touching yet. I did this playfully with a smile. (Sometimes I use words to communicate, something like, “Not yet mister”). 

When we were in the full swing of sexual expression, we did a mixture of penetrative and non-penetrative sex, switching between his fingers and his penis. This time, I was wet enough that we didn’t need to use lubrication. Though, sometimes I’m not. (Along with candles and music, he had our lube on the nightstand ready to go, just in case). Sometimes I ask for oral pleasure and sometimes I don’t, depending on how I taste (A). This time I only wanted his delicate fingers and throbbing cock.

| When was the last time you tasted yourself? What do you taste like? Typically, I taste myself before sex, so that I can get a feel for what I taste like so that I feel even more confident asking or not asking for his tongue. 

I used my words to communicate during sex when I wanted him to touch me in a specific place (A). It sounded something like this, “Put your fingers back in please,” or “Use your thumb on my clit.” I sounded quite breathy and didn’t always say please. Either way, I got the point across and he followed with action. 

Whether he was using his gentle fingers, a soft toy, or his hard cock, I actively used my pelvic floor muscles to bring blood to my genitals. This increases my ability to experience orgasm (A). What does this look like? Another tip from Betty Dodson, her Rock ‘N Roll method, is a combination of: 1) moving my hips forward and back, 2) breathing in and out, and 3) squeezing and releasing my PC muscles (kegels). 

It may seem like this was a seamless evening of sex with no hiccups. However, oftentimes, not everything works the way we want it to during sex. This particular night was no different. We tried a position that seemed interesting, but once I was in it, it was very uncomfortable for my legs and back. After a few moments, I used my words to communicate that I was uncomfortable and we rearranged immediately (A). 

After I came a few times and he came, we laid in our usual aftercare position (him lying on top of me while I stroked his hair, neck and back). After he had some time to recover, I asked for more with my hands on my genitals, giving him soft eye contact and a smile, saying, “Can we…?” Before I could finish the question, he continued to pleasure me with his fingers and I came a couple more times (A)! Once we were done, he went to the bathroom to clean off and I pulled out a vibrating toy and gave myself one more baby orgasm to complete the evening and finally relaxed into the damp towels. And with my hand placed atop my vulva, I breathed gently with eyes closed, and moaned softly as I reminisced about the beautiful and hot sex we’d just had. 

After that, we made dinner and had a peaceful night’s sleep.

The next day, I sent him a text reviewing all the things I loved about our sex. Sometimes we talk about our sex right after, but usually we opt to wait until the next day or two. Personally, I like sitting in the hazy, relaxing glow of after-sex energy without a bunch of cognitive conversation. So the next day, I sent him a text that read the following (A):

~

“I loved quite a few things about our sex last night and want to share.🙂 No need to respond quickly as I know you are working…

I loved that you were waiting with your shirt unbuttoned in bed. 

I loved the candles and the music. 

I loved how long we kissed and lightly touched each other before we engaged with our genitals. To me, this builds sexual energy and gives me time to properly warm up. 

I loved how you would only put the tip of your penis in my vagina and use your thumb to stroke my clit. 

I love when you lie on top of me after you cum because I love feeling your heartbeat and holding you in my arms. 

I LOVE when you listen to me when I ask you to touch me in a specific way. It turns me on when you listen and respond with action. Being listened to feels good in SO many ways (emotionally, mentally, and physically). 😘”

~

Running the fuck doesn’t mean you have to be dressed in leather and whipping someone; it doesn’t mean that you are loud or rude; it doesn’t mean that you have to use a bunch of toys; it doesn’t mean that you are more important or better than your partner. 

Running the fuck is being an active participant before, during, and after your sexual experiences. It means creating the sex life you want (and deserve), and having fun while doing it!

What baby steps can you take during your next sexual experience, so that you can become a more active participant? Or maybe what bold steps can you take to “run the fuck”?